[Scene opens up with Alvin, Savage, and Mildew walking through the tunnels that run under Berk. Alvin steps on a Whispering Death eggshell.]
Alvin: Huh. Anyone care to tell me what this looks like?
Savage: A waste of perfectly good Whispering Death eggs?
Alvin: This was your plan, Mildew. "Oh, plant the eggs under Berk," you said. "they'll hatch and destroy the village, Alvin. There will be no one left to get in your way, Alvin."
Mildew: Well, I don't remember saying all that.
Alvin: Eh, doesn't really matter now, does it? [He unsheathes his sword.]
Mildew: Now, now, wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Alvin: Why should I?
Mildew: Look at the positive, Alvin.
Alvin: That's not really my strong suit now, is it?
Mildew: Think about it. Uh, when life gives you fish heads, what do you do?
Alvin: I take it out on people like you.
Mildew: Well, yes. That too. But... but... but... but... you can also make a delicious chowder. [Alvin swings his sword.] Ugh! Ah! [Mildew pushes the sword away from him.]
Alvin: I like chowder.
Mildew: Well, these tunnels are your chowder. They'll lead you right to the Berk dragon training academy.
Alvin: Eh, and what would I do when I get there?
Mildew: Well, the better question is, what wouldn't you do? What couldn't you do? Spying? Kidnapping? Dragon killing?
Alvin: Or all of the above... [laughs] I like it! You're in luck, Mildew! I'm not gonna kill you right now.
Mildew: I hate it when he says that.
Savage: Trust me, it's better than when he doesn't say it.
[The next scene shows a dummy in a boat floating in the ocean. Hookfang swoops down and grabs it.]
Snotlout: Yes, Hookfang! Victory loop!
Hiccup: You know, I hate to admit it, but Snotlout actually looks like he's worked on his rescue training.
[Hookfang suddenly turns and dives into the water.]
Snotlout: Hookfa- [Hookfang drags his terrified rider through the ocean.]
Astrid: Uh, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
[Hookfang lands on the seastack with the others.]
Snotlout: Another victim saved. [Its head rips off, and he tosses it away from him.] Aah!
Fishlegs: Yeah, you got the victim part right.
Snotlout: Shut up, Fishlegs. Big deal. So his head fell off. It's not like he's not on fire or anything. [Hookfang sets it on fire, and stomps on it.] Shut up, Fishlegs.
[Scene cuts to Astrid climbing up the side of the seastack.]
Hiccup: Great work, Astrid.
Snotlout: "Great work"? Pfft, try lame work. Hello? Flying dragon? Might be a little quicker to get to the top of the sea stack.
Astrid: What if your victim is trapped on the side of the cliff and your dragon can't get you close enough? You ever think of that?
Snotlout: Yes. No. Shut up, Astrid.
Hiccup: Okay, so, uh... Fishlegs. Looks like you're up.
[Meatlug hovers into the air.]
Fishlegs: I call this the stop, drop...
[Meatlug drops from the air. Hookfang moves out of the way, tossing Snotlout off.]
Snotlout: Oh, no. Aah!
[Meatlug hovers just before she lands on him.]
Fishlegs: ...and hover.
Hiccup: I like it, Fishlegs.
Snotlout: Oh, come on! That's not rescuing. That's falling.
Fishlegs: Actually, this is falling.
[Meatlug falls on top of Snotlout.]
Snotlout: [muffled] Hookfang, rescue. [Hookfang growls and flies away.] Thank you.
Hiccup: Okay, guys. You want to show us your rescue skill now?
Hiccup: So... let's see it.
Tuffnut: Uh, you are seeing it. [chuckles]
Ruffnut: Pretty cool, huh?
Tuffnut: Our rescue skill is not falling off this sea stack. That way, no actual rescue is necessary.
Ruffnut: Ta-da! [She accidentally knocks Tuffnut off his dragon.] We're still working out the kinks.
[Scene changes to Hiccup on Toothless. Three wooden vikings are set up on a seastack.]
Hiccup: Barrel-roll, multiple blast!
[Toothless hits every single target.]
All but Snotlout: Wow. Ooh. Wow. Ooh, wow.
Snotlout: Stop ooh-ing. That's not even a rescue skill.
Fishlegs: Of course it is. You always need cover fire during a rescue. Everyone knows that. Very impressive, Hiccup.
Snotlout: Hey, Fishlegs. You need some help getting your nose out of Hiccup's...
Fishlegs: It's okay, Hiccup. He's just mad because he was dead last in the rescue competition. But what else is new?
Hiccup: Uh, guys, this isn't a competition.
Tuffnut: Uh, yes, it is.
Ruffnut: You know, they say competition is the very essence of life itself.
Astrid: It's true. Weird that she said it like that, but it's true. It's always a competition.
Hiccup: We are a team. Everyone has a role. No one person is better or more important than another.
Snotlout: You don't really buy that, do you?
Hiccup: I do, actually. Yes. Wait, do you all feel the way Snotlout does?
Fishlegs: Uh, Hiccup? You ride Toothless, a Night Fury. And the Night Fury is at the top of the charts for intelligence, speed, accuracy, and, well... everything. [Meatlug growls] No offense, girl.
Snotlout: You want to know what I think?
Snotlout: I think we'll never know who the best dragon trainer is because we don't have a level playing field.
Fishlegs: Hang on a second. What if we did have a level playing field? What if we could prove once and for all, who's got the skills and who doesn't?
Snotlout: Trust me, Fishlegs. You don't want that.
Fishlegs: Oh, I think I do.
[The next scene shows Fishlegs taking the lid off of a crate. Several Terrible Terrors peak out.]
Snotlout: Terrible Terrors? This is your level playing field?
Fishlegs: As a matter of fact, yes. We'll all choose a Terrible Terror and have a day to train it. And then we'll find out who's best.
Snotlout: [laughs] Oh, man. I can't keep a straight face.
Fishlegs: I fail to see the humor, Snotlout.
Hiccup: You guys, the point of all this is...
Snotlout: You don't have a chance to win this, fish-face, and you want to know why? Because there are readers, and there are doers. And while you've got your nose buried in the book of dragons, I'm out there kicking names and taking butt!
Astrid: I think you meant that the other way around.
Snotlout: I mean... Shut up, Astrid.
Hiccup: Uh, guys, come on.
Fishlegs: I'll tell you what, Snotlout. You're so confident in your dragon training superiority... why don't we make this interesting?
Snotlout: [scoffs] All ears.
Fishlegs Losers clean the winner's stall... for a month.
Hiccup: Come on, we're not really going to do this, are we?
Snotlout: You better strap on your helmets 'cause this guy right here... he's bringing the pain. [A Terror bites him.] Oh! [groans] Guess I'll take this one. [straining] Bringing the pain!
[The others collect their Terrors.]
Hiccup: Remember, not a competition! This is really gonna go bad in a hurry.
Alvin: Well? What do you see?
Savage: It's quite dark. And something keeps swinging into my face.
Savage: Oh, well, that explains it. Another yak farm.
Alvin: What is it with you people and your yaks?
Mildew: Don't look at me. I'm a sheep person.
Savage: Hang on. I see something. I think it's the academy.
Alvin: How can you be sure?
Savage: [groans] Well, it's got a sign with a picture of a dragon on it. Oh, and there are kids in there training dragons. So...
Mildew: [gasps] That's it! That's the academy.
Alvin: Let's hold off on the victory dance, Mildew. I don't celebrate until I make my first kill.
Fishlegs: Well, trainee, I have quite a rigorous schedule planned for you. Step one, we need to name you.
[dragon sniffs] [sheep bleats in distance] [sheep bleats]
Fishlegs: Sorry, girl, we can't play "toss the sheep" right now.
Fishlegs: Okay, I've got it narrowed down to Lars or Van. Maybe Karsten or Slurg. [gasps] How about Death Wing? Ooh, that's good. Intimidating.
Fishlegs: No, Meatlug. I can't right now. Daddy's gotta work on humiliating Snotlout. I'm gonna crush him in the dragon training competition.
Hiccup: It's not a competition, Fishlegs. Listen, I of all people know how Snotlout has a way of getting under your skin. I just want to make sure you're not losing perspective in all this.
Fishlegs: [laughs] Death Wing and I? No, we don't plan on losing anything.
Hiccup: Uh, D-Death Wing?
Fishlegs: Or Iggy. We're not sure yet. What do you like?
Hiccup: Uh, is Meatlug okay?
Fishlegs: Of course. Why wouldn't she be?
[Meatlug and Toothless grumbling] [sheep bleats]
Hiccup: Okay. Well, good talk. Let's go, bud.
Fishlegs: Okay, Iggy. Time to get serious. Let's do this. Oh, Iggy, you can do this, you're the best, most... most well-trained dragon ever. No, Meatlug. I can't right now.
Hiccup: Okay, time to show off what we've trained our Terrible Terrors to do.
Fishlegs: Why don't you go first, Snotlout?
Snotlout: Why don't you go first?
Fishlegs: Fine. I'll go first.
Snotlout: Oh, no, you don't! I'll go first!
Fishlegs: First, second, third... doesn't matter. 'Cause in the end, you're gonna come in last.
Tuffnut: Whoa, what got into Fishlegs? Looks like he finally grew some...
Hiccup: Whoa, how about I go first? Especially since I don't care whether I win or not because this isn't about winning or losing.
Snotlout: Yeah, you keep selling that. [singsong] Loser.
Hiccup: Ready, Toothless? Now! Sharpshot, fire!
Astrid: Not bad. You're starting off the competition with a bang, Hiccup.
Hiccup: It is not a competition!
Fishlegs: Not yet it isn't.
Astrid: Well, what do you think?
What do we think of what?
Astrid: My dragon's stealth skills.
Right. His skill's so stupid, he didn't even show up.
Astrid: Or did he? [growling]
Oh, he's good.
Yeah. Who's good?
Tuffnut: Then again, he can't do what Butt and Head can do.
Let me guess... they're gonna run into each other?
They flew into each other.
What are they up to?
Fishlegs: Prepare to be amazed at the smartest little dragon in the archipelago.
Fishlegs: Iggy, bring me this.
Fishlegs: Good boy, Iggy. Aw, who's a good little guy?
Snotlout: Whatever. Lucky guess.
Fishlegs: Okay, you choose one.
Whoa. [chuckles] I couldn't do that.
Snotlout: So he plays fetch. [sheep bleats]
Fishlegs: Well, what does your Terrible Terror do?
Fishlegs: So... [laughs] so let me get this straight.
Fishlegs: You trained him to bite you?
Snotlout: Try and pry him loose. I dare you.
Snotlout: Took Gobber all day yesterday to get him off of this leg.
Fishlegs: You're ridiculous. Just tell them I won, Hiccup.
Snotlout: You won? Ha! Get real!
It wasn't even close.
Astrid: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
My Terror's stealthiness is pretty awesome too.
Fishlegs: Astrid, please.
There's no brains involved in teaching a Terror to hide.
Tuffnut: Hey, our trainees ram their heads together at high speed.
That takes brains.
Ruffnut: Yeah. Really hard, rock-like brains.
Oh, come on.
Come on, guys.
Snotlout: It's like a bear trap.
Fishlegs: It's so obvious I won it.
[Meatlug sniffing, indistinct arguing]
Shh, we can't let that dragon see us.
Savage: Uh, this would be a good time to retreat into the tunnel.
Alvin: Alvin the Treacherous doesn't retreat!
Savage: Well, then, Alvin the Treacherous is gonna have to explain to Stoick the Vast what he's doing on Berk.
Alvin: This is crazy.
Muzzle her. We'll use the dragon as a hostage.
She's a tough one.
Fishlegs: Hiccup, they took my Meatlug!
We're only making it worse!
Hiccup: He's right. Hold your fire!
Oh, what are we gonna do, Hiccup?
Hiccup: Those tunnels go all over the island. He could be going anywhere.
Tuffnut: They don't really go "all over" the island.
Like, six yak farms.
A couple of sheep pens.
Mildew's cabbage field.
Both: Gobber's outhouse. Blah.
Tuffnut: What? We spent a lot of time in those tunnels.
Tuffnut: It's a tunnel of fun. [chuckles]
Hiccup: Okay, we'll have to split up, cover all those places.
Tuffnut: Great. Dibs on the beach!
Hiccup: [groans] Uh, what beach?
Tuffnut: The tunnel that goes to the secluded beach, on the far side of the island.
I can't believe you haven't been there.
It's white sand. So soft on your little toes.
Secure the dragon. We're shoving off.
Fishlegs: Oh, if anything happens to my Meatlug, I'll never forgive myself!
Hiccup: It's not your fault, Fishlegs.
Tuffnut: Sure, it is.
Tuffnut: What? It's not my fault.
Tuffnut: Is it your fault?
Ruffnut: Nope. Not my fault.
Tuffnut: Yeah, definitely Fishlegs' fault.
Hiccup: Guys, not helping.
Fishlegs: No, no, they're right, Hiccup.
Fishlegs: I ignored the most important thing in my life because I got so caught up in beating Snotlout.
Snotlout: See? Bad things happen when you try to beat the Snot-man.
Snotlout: What? Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow.
Fishlegs: You tried to tell me, Hiccup, but I didn't listen.
Hiccup: Fishlegs, we will get her back, I promise.
Snotlout: Hey, if you two girls are done doing each other's hair, there's an Outcast ship we might wanna attack.
[water splashes] Give him plenty of lead.
Maybe we can take out more dragons than I thought.
Ha, like shooting yaks in a barrel.
[chuckles] That was fun.
Alvin: Back off! Or I'll run the Gronckle through.
Fishlegs: Hiccup, wait! Don't fire!
Hiccup: Riders, hold your fire! Fall back!
Fishlegs: No! We can't just leave her there!
Hiccup: Don't worry, Fishlegs. We're not going to.
Savage: I don't see anything. Maybe they aren't coming.
Mildew: Oh, they'll come.
Alvin: He's right. Their sentiment is their weakness.
Isn't it, Gronckle?
Savage: [whispers] Alvin, don't move.
Savage: [groans] Now let me explain, Alvin.
Savage: There was a-a little dragon on your...
Tuffnut: I wish I was as smart as that dragon.
Ruffnut: I wish you were as smart as that dragon too.
Hiccup: Now it's up to Sharpshot.
Mildew: Oh, no, you don't! [babbling]
Alvin: Not so fast.
Fishlegs: Oh, she's not gonna make it!
Snotlout: Oh, yes, she is! [grunts]
Snotlout: Bam! Who's the best dragon trainer now?
Snotlout: [groans] Pain.
Fishlegs: [laughs] Oh, I missed you too.
Hiccup: Just one more loose end to tie up.
Hiccup: Wait for it, wait for it.
Hiccup: Now, Toothless! Barrel-roll multiple blast!
Fishlegs: Oh, baby, we got you back. Oh, Meatlug.
We all did. Together.
Guess that competition was worth something.
Hiccup: Oh, for the last time, it wasn't a competition!
Mildew: Ah! Fungus... wha... what happened?
Alvin: Well, I'll give you a hint.
Alvin: Your chowder turned back into fish heads.
Savage: Shame. I do love chowder.
Mildew: Well, let's look at the positive.
Alvin [thud] Let's not.
Fishlegs: Great toss, girl.
Hiccup: Hey, Fishlegs, we're gonna do some more training with the Terrors.
Fishlegs: No can do, Hiccup.
Fishlegs: Meatlug and I have a lot of catching up to do.
Fright of Passage (transcript)
Appetite for Destruction (transcript)