(Scene begins with Fishlegs, tending to his flowers and picking new ones)
Fishlegs: These Buttercup Poppies will assimilate perfectly into our topiary salute to the current "Changewing Migration". Oops. No, no, you go ahead, girl. I'm right behind you. [Tuffnut growling] Please tell me I'm not leaning on a... (Tuffnut leaps from his hiding spot, camouflaged as a Changewing, and roars) 'Fishlegs:' (Screams and runs away) ...Changewing! (Scene switches to Tuffnut, attempting to "get" Astrid.)
Astrid: (sighs) Oh, boy. Stormfly! (Stormfly knocks Tuffnut from the wall.) Ha!
Tuffnut: ('growls in annoyance) Astrid's impossible to get. But I know who's not.
(Scene switches to Snotlout, looking in wonder at the pile of rubbish Ruffnut appears to be throwing out)
Snotlout: How much trash do you two make in a week?
Ruffnut: Pfft. This is just Tuesday, boyo. The rest is out in the back.
Snotlout: (yelps) Oh, my Thor.
Ruffnut: Come on! Better get a move on. That trash is not going to dispose of itself.
Snotlout: Fine! You're welcome.
Ruffnut: Oh, whoa!
Tuffnut: Ow! Ouch! What are you doing?
Ruffnut: What am I doing? What am I doing?
Tuffnut: You know how much I enjoy my role in the Changewing migration. I do this every year.
Ruffnut: And I hate it every year! It seriously creeps me out when you creep up on me.
Tuffnut: Duh. Isn't that the whole idea?
Ruffnut: You know what? Take that weak sauce somewhere else before you get yourself killed! Oh, here's an idea. Go scare Snotlout! He's an idiot. He'll fall for it.
Tuffnut: Excellent idea. Ah! A-creeping I shall go.
(Scene switches to Snotlout. He sees a real Changewing merging out of camouflage, and mistakes it for Tuffnut.)
Snotlout: Ugh. Ahh! Come on, Tuffnut, do you really think I'm in the mood for your childish Changewing games? Well, I'm not. Ooh, a roar. Scary. That was actually a pretty good roar. Very specific. Ow, that feels like a real claw. [screams] Do not ask, because I do not want to talk about it. Huh? Do you have any idea what I've been through? This Changewing migration is going to be the death of me.
Fishlegs: ('patiently) Snotlout, if you just leave the Changewings alone, they'll move on in a couple of days and you won't have to worry about them again. We go through this every year.
Hiccup: You're agitating them. All that ranting and screaming and stomping around just makes them madder and makes them stay here that much longer.
Snotlout: Wait. So now it's my fault? (screams)
Tuffnut: (roars) I'm a Changewing! Changewing, out!
(Hiccup spots a boat coming in to land. Throk steps out.)
Hiccup: Are we expecting visitors today? Throk. Uh, did we have plans?
Throk: I am on your shores today to fulfill a mission that is most personal and of the utmost importance.
Hiccup: Okay. How can we help?
Throk: You can point me in the direction of the fragrant savior of this man's very life: Ruffnut Thorston. I am here to lift her off her feet.
Hiccup: Um, do you mean "sweep her off her feet"?
Throk: No. I will lift her from her feet, put her over my shoulder, and return with her to my island, where she will live out her days as my trustworthy wife.
Fishlegs: Um, does she know about this?
Throk: Is that important?
Astrid: Are you kidding me?
Hiccup: Hey, hey, hey, hey, calm down. Okay, Throk, we do marriage a little differently around these parts.
Throk: Say no more. Say no more. Sadly we, too, have gone soft over the years. Losing the club has made the retrieval of the bride much more of a struggle.
Hiccup: (hastily) Hey, Fishlegs, this is more your area of expertise. Why don't you take it? Can't wait to hear what you guys decide! Oh, no, no, no, no! No! Oh! Hey, watch it!
Fishlegs: You see, Throk, in today's busy archipelago, the modern woman commands a certain amount of respect. She has a mind of her own. So the whole "stake a claim" speech, not so much.
Throk: But it's so much simpler.
Fishlegs: That may be. However, we've found that asking for a lady's hand is much more effective.
Throk: Then her hand would be a symbol of her eternal devotion.
Throk: Would she then wear a hook or a claw?
Fishlegs: Let's go back. You need to start by getting Ruffnut interested in you in a romantic, nonviolent way.
Throk: Hmm. I don't see it. Perhaps you would assist me in my endeavors.
Fishlegs: Okay. Uh, how about this? Why not start with an icebreaker? (Gestures to his flower beds) Something that speaks to your affection for her. Go ahead. Pick anything you want.
(Scene switches to Throk, waiting for Ruffnut. She comes on scene.)
Throk: By the Ancients.
(Throk shoves a small shrub in Ruffnut's face)
Ruffnut: Whoa! Shrub to the face. Yep, always a surprise. I suppose a little more roughage in the diet never hurts.
Tuffnut: Ruffnut loves a fresh shrub. What are you up to, Throk?
Throk: Okay, here we go. Ready? A poem for the modern woman. Hair, it smells of flounder. Skin, rough like the coral of a thousand-year-old reef. Lips, dry as jerky made from the giant clam. No hand will be severed from this woman, for she is modern. She is Ruff. She is Nutt. She is Ruffnut.
Ruffnut: That was beautiful, Throk. And so me.
Throk: Ruffnut, will you join me in returning to Defenders of the Wing Island as my permanent guest?
Ruffnut: Sure. Let me check with the other Nut.
Throk: You misunderstand me, dear Ruff. This is an invitation for but one Nut.
Ruffnut: Oh. Yeah, no can do, Throkie-Poo. You see, we're a package deal. You wouldn't understand.
Throk: Then help me to understand.
Ruffnut: Oh, it's simple. Born together, live together, die together.
Throk: (sadly) Grace of the Ancients.
(Scene switches to the Clubhouse of the Edge. Tuffnut is recounting the occurrence with Throk.)
Tuffnut: "Born together, live together, die together." Ha! I mean, is that great or what? You should've seen the soul-crushing look on old Throk-a-dilly's face.
Astrid: (disgustedly) Wow. I just never thought you'd do that to your own sister.
Tuffnut: Do what?
Astrid: Get in the way of her happiness.
Hiccup: If Ruffnut really has feelings for Throk, it could mean she's passing up a chance at a lifetime of love and happiness.
Astrid: And same goes for you. Don't you ever want to meet a beautiful Viking girl and have a family of your own?
Tuffnut: Of course.
Astrid: And what would happen if Ruffnut stood in the way of that?
Tuffnut: She would never. She's too good of a sister. I'm a monster! Oh, you think I don't know that? I mean, you think I'm not aware this is an impossible situation? Oh, how do I know? Come on, stop shaming me. I'm only human. Oh, no. She's breaking his little Defenders of the Wing heart. What have I done? Agreed, Chicken. Something must be done. She won't allow herself to be happy as long as these perfectly manicured feet walk this earth.
(Scene switches to Ruff, studying Throk's feet.)
Ruffnut: It's nail fungus. What you need, my friend, is a manicure. My brother is a genius with that.
Throk: I cannot stay another moment. The sadness is too much to-
(They enter the stables, and stop short, seeing Tuff's clothes lying in a heap on the floor)
Ruffnut: Tuff? Tuff! Those are Tuffnut's clothes. He's never taken those off, ever.
Ruffnut: He always said that the only way he'd come out of them is if he was- The Changewing ate my baby brother! Hear ye, hear ye! Peoples of the Edge and all creatures far and near we are present to read the will and last testament of one Tuffnut Laverne Thorston. "First item: one half stuffed yak". Hey! Half that yak is still mine!
Snotlout: Yeah? Which half?
Ruffnut: It's so obvious that the back half is his. (Miserably) Can none of you see that?
Throk: (valliantly) To me, nothing could be more obvious.
Ruffnut: "Next item! Sixteen pounds of properly pinched salt".
Fishlegs: Rest well, my salt-encrusted friend. Rest well. Why? Why, Odin? Why? You should have taken me! No, Meatlug, I'm not ready to go! This is the last time I'll see him!
Astrid: There's no way he's really gone, is there? I mean, eaten by a Changewing? That's just way too easy.
Hiccup: Funny. I was thinking exactly the same thing.
Ruffnut: "As my last and final wish, I command you to burn all of these meaningless symbols of my earthly existence and dine in glorious reverence with a feast of Chicken in my honor".
Snotlout: Mm-hmm, okay. Now we're getting somewhere.
Ruffnut: Wait. There's more. "Sorry, I meant a feast for Chicken in my honor, 'cause you would never eat Chicken. And if anyone ever tries to, I will haunt you to the ends of the archipelago". And now I must go fulfill my Thorston Schleibeldorg Ritual.
Ruffnut: I shall be alone in my hut, in the dark, eating only sea slugs and toenails for the next two days. Any extra toenails are welcomed. I can blow through them pretty quickly in my grief.
Snotlout: Pfft! She's not getting my toenails. I work too hard on them.
(Ruffnut runs off, and Tuffnut materialises from the wall.)
Tuffnut: Don't be alarmed, mortals. I, I am the spirit of Tuffnut Laverne Thorston.
Hiccup: Tuffnut, we know you're not a ghost.
Tuffnut: Oh, really? How? How do you know such a thing? (Astrid punches him.) Ouch! Oh! (Switches to a deeper voice) Ouch, I mean. All right, fine. I'm not dead. But you cannot tell my sister.
Hiccup: What are you talking about?
Tuffnut: If she wants to go with the Throkman, I want her to make that decision on her own. You said it yourself. She deserves to be happy, and- And if it means a life of haunting the moors of Berk, then so be it.
Hiccup: This is arguably the worst idea in the history of worst ideas.
Tuffnut: Look, just give me 24 hours. That's all we need for the young lovers to figure out whether romance is in their future or rather a life of misery and despair!
(Scene switches to Ruff, with Throk and Fishlegs. Ruff is complaining in depsair)
Ruffnut: Schleibeldorg! Schleibeldorg! Toenail!
Throk: Fishlegs, how long must we wait for this grieving process to conclude?
(Ruff begins to head towards the stables, armed with a weapon)
Fishlegs: Ruff, where are you going?
Ruffnut: To the stables to see a Changewing about a man. A dead man.
Throk: A revenge kill. Hmm. I am conflicted. My love for Ruffnut on one hand, and on the other, a life dedicated to protecting dragons.
Fishlegs: Both really good reasons to stop her. Besides, the flock won't migrate unless it's complete.
(Scene switches to Ruff in the Chagewing's stable.)
Hiccup: Ruff, no. It's not worth it.
Ruffnut: Who are you to tell me what's worth what?
Astrid: You can't kill that dragon. It's not gonna bring Tuffnut back.
Ruffnut: First of all, I would never harm a scale on this dragon's head. My brother lives in him.
Snotlout: And the creep-factor just keeps on coming.
Ruffnut: This dragon, Snuffnut, shall be my lifelong companion. I shall train him. I shall teach him. I shall share my life with him. My inner thoughts and demons! The spirit of my brother shall always be by my side. By my side! By my side!
Snotlout: I thought we were supposed to leave the Changewings alone. This looks like pretty much the opposite of that.
Ruffnut: Tuff? Tuff!
Throk: Are you hurt?
Ruffnut: No. Snuffnut would never intentionally cause me harm.
Snotlout: I think someone forgot to fill Snuffnut in on that.
Throk: Ruffnut! While it gives me great glory to save your life, I feel as though perhaps we must allow this dragon to go free, as you should set free the pain that lives in your heart. Come with me, Ruffnut. Start a new life back on our island. I will provide for you. I will care for you. And, most importantly, I will kill for you.
Ruffnut: That is so sweet, Throk. I- I- I could never let go of that pain! I could never leave Snuffnut. And if I should die, then at least once again, my brother and I will be reunited. Reunited. Reunited.
Snotlout: Okay, I've got two questions. First of all, why are you doing this? Second, most importantly, why am I doing this?
Fishlegs: The art of topiary, on the surface, may seem trivial and unimportant. But when one digs deeper, one finds serenity, peace, tranquility. Now, let's see what we've all created. I will go first. I call this "Infinite Search for Being". Snotlout?
Snotlout: I call this "Barren Soul Wrapped in Nothingness". It was between that and "My Lousy Childhood".
Throk: I call this "What Does that Changewing Have that I Don't Have?"
Snotlout: Well, for starters, her brother is in its stomach.
Fishlegs: Whoa, you really do love her, don't you?
Snotlout: Yeah. But why?
Throk: Her eyes, like the ink of the giant squid I defeated handily eight moons past. The way she massages the feet.
Fishlegs: Uh, Ruffnut massaged your feet?
Throk: No. Her own. Uh and her brother's.
Snotlout: And that, my dear Throkie, is your "problemo". Twins? Package deal.Can't have one without the other, even if one is currently making his way through the digestive tract of an invisible dragon.
Throk: That's it! That's the answer. My mission is clear. Thank you both. You've been a great help.
Tuffnut: Okay, let's review. The pros and cons of living life as a dead guy. Pros: no chores, because you're dead. That's a good one. All right, now. Ooh, good one. And deep thinking for a domesticated avian vertebrate. That means chicken. Of course you knew that.
Hiccup: All right, that's it. This little plan of yours is completely out of control. You're gonna tell Ruff you're alive before that Changewing or one of his friends really does eat someone.
Tuffnut: Fine. You can take "Hiccup can't boss me around" off the list. Even in death, I am a mere servant to this one-legged dictator with a weak chin.
Hiccup: Okay, great. Now, let's get this done, shall we?
Ruffnut: Nobody understands the bond we share, bro. Nobody.
Throk: I do, Ruffnut. I understand.
Ruffnut: Throk, what are you doing? Leave my brother alone!
Throk: I'm not going to hurt him. But if he's going to be a part of our family, there are going to be some rules. It's okay, Snuff. It's your new brother. I'm here to help. That's right, big boy. You and I are going to have an understanding. See? We're bonding. We may still have some work to do!
Hiccup: Ruff, what happened?
Ruffnut: Throk and Snuffnut had a difference of opinion on his training. Now all the Changewings are trying to kill Throk!
Tuffnut: Well, that was pretty stupid.
Ruffnut: [screams] Hiccup, look out! Tuffnut's ghost is here!
Hiccup: He's not a ghost.
Tuffnut: I'm just me.
Ruffnut: Oh, well, isn't that exactly what a ghost would say?
Tuffnut: No. A ghost would never say that. A ghost would say something like- Look! Would a ghost do that?
Ruffnut: Yours would.
Hiccup: We need to get Throk out of there. So you two get your dragon, ghost or no ghost, and let's get him some help now.
Hiccup: If we push them out to the edge of the reef, they'll move on to the next island.
Hiccup: Toothless, dive! Gotcha!
Tuffnut: Whoo! Yeah!
Fishlegs: Um, I don't think they're leaving, Hiccup.
Hiccup: Just give them a minute.
Tuffnut: Wow. How cool am I as a Changewing? Hey! Leave my dragon self alone!
Fishlegs: The flock won't fly with him unless he can go full cloak. It's too risky for them.
Ruffnut: It's all my fault! My undying love for my brother will be the end of this glorious beast!
Tuffnut: Wait. Methinks there is another way. Yes! I have it. Aah! Aah! By the way, I love you too. And I want you to be happy.
Ruffnut: I know you do. But how can I be happy if we're not together?
Tuffnut: We will be together.
Ruffnut: Hold that thought. [screams] Okay, go.
Tuffnut: We will be together. It'll just be different!
Ruffnut: You are the best brother, bro!
Tuffnut: Yeah! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Yeah! All right!
Ruffnut: Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Tuffnut: Yeah! Whoo! Ha-ha! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Ruffnut: So long, Snuffnut.
Throk: Wait. I have something to say.
Ruffnut: I'm all ears, Throkie.
Throk: Well, I've been doing a great deal of soul-searching. I've realized that you and Tuffnut, you belong together. I can't take you away from here and deprive you of the twin bond you enjoy. When joined together as one, you are a force and one that must remain intact for the good of the archipelago. Ha! Hair, it smells of flounder. Skin, rough like the coral of a thousand-year-old reef.
Tuffnut: So, uh, you okay?
Ruffnut: Yeah. I think so. Maybe a little guilty. Poor guy.
Tuffnut: Guilty? Wait. You were never-
Ruffnut: I was never gonna go with him. Are you crazy? Oh, by the way, thanks for killing yourself for me.
Tuffnut: Yeah, no sweat. It actually turns out being dead is not as much fun as it seems.
Ruffnut: Well, then I guess we both learned something.
Tuffnut: Or one of us did and the other one wasted a lot of time.
No Dragon Left Behind (transcript)
Searching for Oswald... and Chicken (transcript)