(Scene begins with Astrid flying happily on Stormfly)
Astrid: I could stay up here all day. But, we have work to do, don't we, girl? Hey! Guys! You are officially relieved from guard duty! Guys! (Trying to get their attention) Stormfly, get me in close, would you? Why do we have to go through this every single... Are you kidding me?
(Scene switches to the edge- Astrid is explaining the twins' apparent insubordiantion to Hiccup)
Astrid: They didn't stand their watch, Hiccup. Those dummies left two dummies in their place.
Hiccup: You know, those dummies could conceivably be just as effective as the twins.
Astrid: Not funny. We built that watchtower so that-
Hiccup: I know why we built it, Astrid.
Astrid: I just don't understand how this isn't making you completely insane.
Hiccup: Because, then there'd be two crazy people in this conversation and we probably wouldn't resolve anything.
Astrid: (shocked) Are you saying I'm-
Hiccup: Astrid, let me talk to the twins. I'll get their side of the story, then we can figure out what we need to do.
Astrid: I guess it's a start. Well, if it isn't our crack security team now.
Tuffnut: Oh! Please, please, there's no need to shower us with accolades.
Astrid: Tuff, you left two dummies to protect this entire base. What were you thinking?
Hiccup: Terror Mail. Hm.
Tuffnut: "Dummies," you say?
Ruffnut: She does. Poor confused thing.
Tuffnut: What you failed to realize in your foggy morning state, is that those are not dummies. They are scareships.
Astrid: Scareships? You're serious?
Tuffnut: You didn't see any ships near the island, did you? I think not. And why? They were appropriately scared away. By the appropriately named "scareships".
Astrid: Are you following any of this?
Hiccup: Not super closely. I'm actually reading this. It's from Johann. He's in trouble.
Astrid: You are not leaving me with these two muttonheads.
Tuffnut: She knows we're standing right here, right?
Hiccup: Look, Johann is surrounded by Dragon Hunters, and his ship is taking on water. We have to get out there and help him.
Astrid: Then, let me saddle up Stormfly, I'll be there in-
Hiccup: Astrid, you need stay here and hold down the Edge. And make sure nothing happens to the Dragon Eye.
Astrid: I can't believe what's happening. This actually may be the worst day in history.
Hiccup: Astrid, Snotlout and I have the only working dragon armor, and Meatlug is immune to the Dragon Hunters' arrows.
Fishlegs: You hear that, girl? Who's a special dragon? Meatlug is, that's who.
Hiccup: It just makes sense for us to be the ones to go.
Astrid: Hiccup, please! For all that is sacred in Thor's world, you cannot leave me alone with these two-
Tuffnut: What do you say? Simpletons? Blockheads?
Ruffnut: I was always partial to dimwit myself. It rolls trippingly off the tongue.
Tuffnut: Oh, yeah. Watch this. "What wit dim, would the twins dim wit, if dim wits could wit dim?" Say that five times fast.
Astrid: You see what I'm talking about, right?
Tuffnut: Hey, it's not like we woke up this morning hoping to spend 24/7 with you either, Astrid. I mean, you are not exactly a picnic. And I think you know what I'm saying. You have not ever been a blanket on a grassy knoll with delicious food. But, we are team players. We will do what is necessary for the good of the group. Hence, we shall remain behind and enjoy your good company, my fair Astrid. Even if you have no blankets or grassy knolls to offer.
Hiccup: We'll be back by tomorrow at the latest. Just do the best you can. Okay? And try to get along, please? No need to worry about us, young Hiccup.
Snotlout: Oh, Astrid, I know these next 24 hours will be difficult for you. Unable to look into these deep romantic, yet hauntingly beautiful eyes, shimmering like gold dust in the wind- Okay, so we'll see you when we get back. Have fun. Don't talk to any strange Dragon Hunters!
(The other riders fly off)
Tuffnut: Bye. We'll miss you. Write home often. Okay, I think the first team building exercise we should perform is that of going back to sleep. I mean, as a team, of course.
Ruffnut: Couldn't agree more. What say you, Astrid?
Astrid: I have to go hide this. And when I get back, I expect both of you to be sweating profusely from hard work.
Tuffnut: "What say you, Astrid?" Really? Haven't I always told you it's better to beg for permission than to ask for forgiveness?
Ruffnut: Personally, I think it's the other way around.
Tuffnut: Oh, so now you're the literary authority on the subject of permissions and forgivenesses?
Astrid: Quit talking. You lose focus when your mouth is moving.
Tuffnut: (mimicking) "I'm Astrid".
Astrid: Real mature, guys.
(Scene switches to the twins and Astrid hard at work. The twins are looking shocked at the amount that has been completed.)
Tuffnut: We've done all of these already? Man, we are kicking some serious-
Astrid: No, no, no. That's your first one. All the others, I did by myself. Go, team. You know what? I'll get the rest of the lumber myself. You two start lashing together some poles for the first level of stairs. Do you think you can handle that?
Tuffnut: She didn't let us answer.
Ruffnut: That's what they call a "rhetorical question".
Tuffnut: Please. Like that's even a thing. And you don't know what it means.
Ruffnut: A rhetorical question is one asked solely to produce an effect or to make an assertion. Not to elicit a reply. Bam!
Tuffnut: Not too teamly, if you ask me.
Ruffnut: Not in the slightest.
(Scene switches to Astrid, searching for the twins angrily)
Astrid: Really. Where in Thor's name could you two have-
(The twins appear on a zip line)
Tuffnut: Whoo! Yeah!
Ruffnut: Ha-ha! Look out!
Ruffnut: Whoo! That hurt.
Tuffnut: Astrid, you have got to try this. The landing's a little rough, but-
Ruffnut: Astrid, we know this wasn't what you were planning, but we really think we're onto something here. The stairs have their own use for sure, but this can truly come in handy.
Astrid: It can, huh?
Ruffnut: Yes. In the right situations.
Astrid: (sweetly) And what situations would those be exactly, Ruffnut?
Ruffnut: Well, I mean, we could, if we were in a-
Astrid: (interrupting her) You have no clue, do you? Didn't think so.
Tuffnut: Is that a retalkrical question?
Astrid: And do you know why? Because, the two of you don't think. You don't plan. You just come up with these crazy ideas and you forge ahead, with no regard for logic or what you're even supposed to be doing. What am I gonna do with you guys? Seriously. Tell me!
Ruffnut: Well, you can start by being kind. Oh, wait, you can't do that because kindness is nowhere in that scrawny little body of yours.
Tuffnut: Easy, sis...
Ruffnut: Back up, bro! I got this.
Astrid: Do you know what your problem is, Ruffnut?
Ruffnut: Oh, you bet I do. I've got a list of problems so long, I can't even keep track. Question is, do you know what your problem is, Astrid?
Astrid: My problem? Are you serious?
Ruffnut: Allow me to lay it out for you, my flaxen-haired friend. You have no respect for the people around you who are just trying to help and be a part of the team. You have no respect for Fishlegs, certainly none for Snotlout, and you couldn't have less respect for the two of us! Now, you can go ahead and shame the others. You can mock this entire island of dragons if you wish. But I am not gonna stand here and listen to you insult the entire "nut" family tree!
(Ruffnut storms off)
Astrid: (looking shocked) She's wrong, you know. I do. I... r-respect you guys.
Tuffnut: Oh, please. You can barely even say it. So sad, Astrid. So, so sad.
(Tuffnut walks off too.)
Astrid: (despairingly) Hiccup, where are you when I need you?
(Scene switches to the other Riders, riding over a stretch of ocean)
Hiccup: Okay, from what the Terror mail said, Johann sent it from this general area.
Fishlegs: And it said his ship was incapacitated.
Hiccup: Correct. So, he should be right below us somewhere.
Snotlout: Good thing Meatlug is immune to those arrows, huh? Too bad you aren't. Snotlout!
Fishlegs: Don't listen to him, girl. I'll be fine. We'll be fine. Right?
Hiccup: Uh, I'm not so sure about that.
Johann: Get away! You, don't come near!
Snotlout: Hey, I thought he said it was Dragon Hunters.
Fishlegs: Not actual dragons.
Hiccup: He did, but you know Johann.
Snotlout: "Dragons, Dragon Hunters, what's the difference?"
Johann: No, no!
Fishlegs: I wonder what Johann did to get them so mad.
Snotlout: Probably told them one of his dumb stories.
Hiccup: Not funny, Snotlout.
Snotlout: I wasn't even trying to be funny.
Hiccup: All right, let's just get Johann out of there, and be careful. We don't want to hurt any of these dragons.
Snotlout: What about them hurting us? That never seems to enter your mind.
Johann: Master Hiccup! They're everywhere!
Hiccup: Yoo-hoo! Okay, all right, never mind, never mind, never mind! Wow, bud! We really must have caught these guys on a bad day.
Johann: Ah! Hoo! Back! Back, I say! This reminds me of the time I was attacked by a flock of rabid wild fruit bats off the coast of Palau.
Snotlout: Be quiet! You're only making them more angry. And us, too.
Johann: Master Snoutlout! Thank Thor!
Snotlout: Hey! What'd I do? It's Captain Fruit Bat you want, not me.
Johann: No, no! Oh, come on! They're very mean!
Fishlegs: Johann, look out!
Snotlout: Hey! Fishlegs! Where are you going? You know, we're not done here.
(Back at the Edge)
Ruffnut: "Astrid, Astrid, Astrid!" Everyone's always talking about Astrid. How pretty she is. How smart she is. How muscular and shapely her upper arms are. How can Astrid not see the genius in Stuffnut and Fluffnut?
(In the forest)
Tuffnut: Chicken! What is it? What's wrong? Shh, shh Relax, Chicken. Easy, little chicken. Now, gather your strength. Is it Ruffnut? Oh, it is. Is she in trouble? Oh, you have such a way with words. I will find her and bring her back. You, you rest, Chicken. Don't ruffle your feathers. I shall return.
Tuffnut: Ruff! No! The Dragon Hunters. Astrid. I gotta get Astrid.
Ruffnut: When I get out of these chains, I'm gonna-
Dragon Hunter 1: You're gonna what?
Ruffnut: Uh, I haven't decided yet, but rest assured, you are not gonna like it!
Dragon Hunter 2: Feisty, isn't she? I like it.
(Back at Hiccup and the others)
Hiccup: And they just picked Fishlegs up and flew off?
Snotlout: Yeah, definitely, that's how it happened.
Hiccup: Johann, did the wild dragons take anything from the ship? Food, fresh water, anything?
Johann: No, Master Hiccup. They seemed only interested in terrorizing me until you lot came along, then they started terrorizing you. Which was a bit of a relief, if I'm being honest. I've always been a great friend to the dragons. That they would turn on me like this, it's inconceivable.
Hiccup: This doesn't make any sense. Nightmares, Nadders, Gronckles, even in the wild, these dragons shouldn't be this aggressive. I mean, from a Speed Stinger or a Changewing, those dragons I could understand, but maybe these guys have just never seen humans before.
Snotlout: All I know is that we've been around these guys in the wild. None of them have ever acted like this.
Hiccup: Snotlout, I hate to admit it, but you've got a point.
(Back at the Edge)
Astrid: Tuff, you okay? Tuffnut, breathe. What's going on?
Tuffnut: You have got to do something about those stairs. I mean, there must be hundreds of them, there's over ten at least.
Astrid: That's it? The stairs?
Tuffnut: Oh, no. It's Ruffnut. They got Ruffnut!
Astrid: Who did?
Tuffnut: The Dragon Hunters.
Astrid: This is all my fault.
Tuffnut: Oh, tell me about it.
Astrid: I shouldn't have been so hard on her.
Tuffnut: You were way too hard on her, on poor, poor sis.
Astrid: She's just Ruff being Ruff. She can't help it.
Tuffnut: Truer words, A. Truer words. Sorry. Just trying to help you work through, you know, the shame, all the bad things that you did, all the things you should feel bad about, you know, get some closure.
Astrid: What is it?
Tuffnut: There may not be a Ruffnut to apologize to. In fact, there may not be any of us at all.
Tuffnut: Okay, what's the plan? We have to get my sister back.
Astrid: First thing is to send an SOS to Berk. We need reinforcements, fast. The auxiliary team.
Tuffnut: How do we know he'll get there in time?
Astrid: We don't.
Tuffnut: Well, how do we know they'll get back here in time?
Astrid: We don't.
Tuffnut: Okay, there is a terrifying lack of clarity in those answers.
Astrid: It's all gonna be okay, Tuffnut. We're gonna hold down the Edge, defend this base, and we will get your sister back. Okay? Say, "Okay, Astrid".
Tuffnut: Okay, Astrid.
Astrid: Now, there is no possible way we can defend the Edge against an all-out assault with only one flyable dragon. But maybe, we can slow them down until help gets here if we use our spears and arrows sparingly.
Tuffnut: Wait! I know an even better way we can slow them down.
Astrid: Not now, Tuff. I need to think.
Tuffnut: No, seriously, Astrid! You need to hear this. Listen to me!
Astrid: All right, what? What is your idea?
Tuffnut: Okay, well, as you know, tricking is my area of expertise. I am the official Dragon's Edge Trickster. Trickster extraordinaire. The Mayor of Tricksville.
Astrid: Yeah. I get it. We all know how tricky you are.
Tuffnut: But, they don't! So, I figure, we trick them into thinking there are more of us than there are. We can start with our scareships, and then build our own little tricking army. It'll be awesome! Wait. I think I just had another idea. Whoa! Do you know how many Loki-ish thoughts are running through my mind right now?
Tuffnut: It's like a hurricane of practical jokes pounding on the inside of my head! Whoa, here comes one!
Astrid: This is not the time for pranks, or Loki-ing. This is a time for strategic thinking and precise preparation. There are times in life when you have to be serious. Deadly serious, or people can die. We can die. Ruffnut can die. Do you understand?
Tuffnut: Yes, I understand. I am taking it seriously. I'm seriously a trickster. And I seriously have some ideas that can help.
Astrid: Tuff, listen to me. You know all those times early in the morning when it's still dark outside, and I'm out by myself on Stormfly?
Tuffnut: Uh, well, I do now. Wait, is this gonna get weird?
Astrid: No. What I am doing is training. Day and night, I train myself for situations just like this. That's why we're gonna do it my way.
Tuffnut: But, I have ideas. Good ideas.
Astrid: And, I believe you.
Tuffnut: No, you don't. The only thing you believe is that I'll mess this up and get us all killed.
Astrid: No. That's not true. The only thing I believe right now is that we're wasting time arguing, when we should be preparing. Come on, there's a lot of work to do.
Tuffnut: That's my sister out there, Astrid. And if this goes wrong and we don't save her, I couldn't live with myself.
Astrid: You know what? You're right. You do what you have to do, and I'm gonna set up our defenses. Then we'll come together, and when the time is right, decide which one to use, okay?
Tuffnut: Awesome plan. I like it! And we'll definitely end up using mine. So, it's great.
Astrid: Good, just so long as we understand and agree that I lead the counter-attack and you follow me.
Astrid: Hmm. Oh, boy.
Astrid: It's him, right?
(On the beach)
Ryker: Well, guess you don't know the Dragon Riders as well as you thought, eh, Dagur?
Ruffnut: You don't know 'em at all.
Heather: Hey, at least my brother had a plan to get the Dragon Eye. It's not his fault they didn't take the bait.
Ryker: They never left to rescue Trader Johann from those dragons. The girl proves it.
Ruffnut: Yeah. I prove that you have all been fooled.
Heather: Then I guess we better leave. Come up with a new plan.
Ryker: No new plans. We'll just have to deal with all of them instead.
Ruffnut: Listen, if you all want to go on a suicide mission, that's your problem, buddy. But don't say I didn't warn you!
Dagur: She's lying! She's trying to confuse us.
Ruffnut: I'm always lying! Wait, now I'm confused.
Heather: Or she's telling the truth to confuse us.
Ryker: Gather the men. We move slowly. Destroy anything in our path, until we get our Dragon Eye. Then, we destroy whatever's left.
Savage: Uh, excuse me, sir. Oh, and ma'am. But there's something I've been wondering about.
Dagur: A daily occurrence, but go ahead.
Savage: In regards to this Ryker fellow, it seems as though he's taken on the role of leader. And, well, I was always under the assumption that this was your role.
Ruffnut: Pfftt! That's not his role.
Dagur: It is, you dunderhead.
Heather: We're just using Ryker for the time being. When he leads us to the Dragon Eye-
Dagur: We figure out the most painful and horrible way to get rid of him and the rest of his crew. Duh!
Savage: Ah! That's a relief.
Dagur: Once we get the Dragon Eye, Ryker and his men? See ya!
Ruffnut: That really is the single worst plan I have ever heard-
Dagur: Would you stop talking!?
(Back at Hiccup and the others)
Hiccup: Stop. Don't move.
Snotlout: Oh, finally. Do you know how long we've been walking? My feet are swollen to the size of watermelons.
Johann: Master Hiccup, I realize that you are the dragon expert among us-
Snotlout: I wouldn't say the dragon expert, I'd say-
Johann: As I was saying, it appears to me that this island is occupied by a rather unfriendly pack of wild dragons.
Hiccup: You're right, Johann. But it's worse than that.
Snotlout: Oh, ho-ho, you're full of good news, aren't you? Gimme that. So, this means we get to go rescue him, I suppose.
Hiccup: It does. And thank you for volunteering. But it's not gonna be easy.
Snotlout: With you as captain, I know it won't.
Hiccup: Right, you see up there? Dragon sentries. They look like they're ready for anything. It's gonna be really hard to get anywhere near Fishlegs.
Johann: Well, I suppose the life of a Dragon Rider is shorter than most. I'll miss him dearly.
Snotlout: Good point, Johann. Let's get out of here.
Hiccup: No, no, we're not going anywhere. I said it's gonna be hard, not impossible.
(Back at the Edge)
Astrid: This is our last line of defense, Stormfly. If they make it this far, hopefully, these will take them out.
Tuffnut: Uh-oh. Uh, regardless of how this looks right now, I can assure you I have a master plan for these balloons.
Astrid: I'm sure you do.
Tuffnut: Um, but Astrid, just a little quick thing. Can you bring me back down to Earth, before I fly into the sun? Is it time?
Astrid: It's time. This is gonna be a rough day, Stormfly. Whatever we have to face, I'm glad we're facing it together. Hey, whatcha got there?
Tuffnut: Ta-da! Only the solution to all our problems. I call Macey, but you can have any of the others, except maybe this sword and this axe. Can't decide, huh? Yeah, I can understand that.
Astrid: Tuff, these weapons are all for close combat. If we get to that point, there's two of us and we're done.
Tuffnut: Oh. Well, no, I know that, but-
Astrid: Listen, we don't have time. Just do me one favor.
Tuffnut: Fine, but-
Astrid: The ballista on my roof, you know how to use it, right?
Tuffnut: Uh, it's a massively destructive weapon, isn't it?
Astrid: It is. So, get up there, and massively destroy things. But on my command, not before. Got it?
Tuffnut: Got it. Come on, Macey.
(On Ryker's Ship)
Ryker: You feel the air? That's fear. Soon it'll be death.
Snow Way Out (transcript)
Edge of Disaster, Part 2 (transcript)